Red Wine Day

I am restricting access to my blog. This sucks. This totally sucks. Well, maybe I should take that back. I’m pretty sure no one is sitting on the edge of his ergonomic chair, biting his finger nails to the quick, wondering aloud, “What will Kristjan post next? Like, will she regain her sense of humor...ever???” Probably not, so I doubt I’m letting anyone down.

Mostly, I’m restricting my blog because reflecting on the absurdity of being a working professional in America will get me really, really unemployed. In fact, I have a cousin who has, on more than one occasion, reminded me that all of my potential future employers can read what I’m thinking. What I’m thinking, I’m afraid, isn’t all that impressive. Or pertinent. Or desirable.

My ramblings are not what every manager or director or human resources specialist would consider appropriate. I feel badly about this - I do, but it is taking ever more glasses of red wine to help me cope with each and every passing day. Plus, I’m trying to find a new employer while hanging on to some semblance of sanity about working for my current employer. The odds that I’ll be able to hold it together aren’t exactly in my favor.

Today was definitely a red wine day: I received comments back from my 360 review. In theory, I understand the value of a 360. In practice, I work for an organization that is 75% female and all of my working relationships are with women. Women from Minnesota. Nice, passive aggressive women from Minnesota who prefer to avoid conflict, unless they are de-identified on Survey Monkey.

I’m unconvinced that the Survey Monkey 360 is a constructive feedback tool for Minnesotan women. What you get are a series of nebulous jabs about your work style being too direct/not direct enough, over-communicating/not communicating enough, and proactive/not proactive enough without any context whatsoever. So, I tried to tease out who said what and in which context and it just drives me to drink. I can tell that my director is not impressed with me, so I suppose our feelings about one another are mutual. But, hey, look on the bright side: at least we finally have one thing in common.

Overall, though, I had a good Annual Review: I’m being re-classified one level higher than what I am and I’m getting a raise on top of it all for meeting my performance goals and expectations. In total, this may amount to a $10,000 salary increase starting this week. It just seems so odd that my colleagues, including my director, can say so many vaguely disheartening things about me and I still get $10,000 richer. Am I now Peter’s Principle personified? Oh God, what a dubious honor!

The irony is that I’m applying for a position at a non-profit organization that does really meaningful work and has a really good, competent staff, but I would make $15,000-$25,000 less than my current salary if they consider me for the position. But somehow the pay cut would seem worth a few trips to the Democratic Republic of Congo to support dedicated staff working with torture victims.

Really, what is the price of losing my perspective, humor, feelings of competency, and sense of meaning? Is it worth $15,000-$25,000 per year? Right now I'd rather have my sanity back. Of course, right now is two o’clock in the morning after a day that involved leaving work early to hyperventilate in my car for five minutes due to a series of snarky 360 comments from my colleagues.

More updates to come, I’m sure. In the meantime, I need to drag my sorry self back to bed and, now that I’ve gotten a few matters off my chest, get some shut eye. Good night!