Life after Lord of the Flies

This week I’ve been vacillating between feeling that everything will be OK and we’re all free to be you and me, and feeling that people behave in the oddest, most inaccessible ways and it’s a wonder that we’re not all in court-mandated mental health rehabilitation, myself included. I can’t tell if I’m awkwardly self-aware or painfully self-absorbed: mostly, it depends on whether I’ve been talking with colleagues in my current work place or people from my previous work places.

This may have an awful lot to do with the fact that I’m five weeks into my new job, operating at a higher level of responsibility among directors, vice presidents, senior vice presidents, and C-level leaders. Being politically, culturally and emotionally astute is so vital at this level, so I feel like I’m exploring some deep, dark jungle rife with jackals, gorillas and leopards. In the past these explorations have been organizational manifestations of Heart of Darkness or the all-female casting of Lord of the Flies, so, as you can imagine I’m a bit circumspect about my new employer.

Still, despite my previous encounters with bullies, gossip, and duplicity, my new organization is feeling a bit more Jane Goodall. Which is a relief. I’m impressed by my director and team and their focus on healthy workplace behavior, but I’m worried that I’ve picked up some really bad, unhealthy behaviors from my previous positions and that these behaviors may bite me in the ass. I’m just not sure.

Last month I wrote an entry about handstands in yoga class and how I yearned for a new director who would be like my yoga teacher in San Luis Obispo: someone who leads me into challenging new territory and promises not to let me fall. Someone who can bring out the best in me and guides me from trepidation into exploration and discovery. I’ve found this person in my new director - it feels like I’ve won the lottery. Like my first reactions in that yoga studio, I’ve felt panicked and unsure of myself. Slowly, though, I’ll figure it out, calm down, engage the right skills and move with more grace. It will simply take time and practice and tumbling over a few times.

There is so much to learn.