Sail Away with Me

I accepted a new job almost three months ago. I had good vibes about my director and team and, on the whole, I still do. What happened, though, is that I’m now in way over my head with project-related work. I’m so far under water that I don’t know where to start or what to do anymore. I pretty much feel like a complete failure. I don’t know if any of you have ever had the involuntary phrase, YOU ARE A FAILURE, as your mantra of the week, but it sucks. Totally sucks.

For a while I thought, “I’m new – it will take time to get up to speed.” The problem is that I have no time to get-up-to-speed because there are so many things to fix NOW. “Now now” as the Basotho would say. But, when I’m two months into a new job immersed in 6-8 projects, working 10 hour days and bringing work home over the weekend, time isn’t what I have. Insecurity and insomnia I have in spades, but time – not so much. I even cancelled my yoga membership because I can’t make it to any classes. Work just keeps proliferating.

This is not what I intended. I came to this new position, treating it as a litmus test for my career in health care. If I can succeed in this job and remain sane, I’ll stay in healthcare. If I can’t succeed or maintain my sanity, then it’s time for some major self-evaluation and a career change. It’s looking like a career change might be in my future. Probably not in my immediate future, but somewhere in the next 2-4 years, or until my director asks me to leave, whichever comes first.

A friend of mine recently posted a Facebook status wishing something along the lines of wanting to go back five years in time and choosing the other career path instead of the one she’s on now. I feel the same, wishing I could have gone back to the summer of 2007 to stack my odds differently. Then again, by returning to Minnesota I met my wonderful husband, who has helped me through all my tumultuous work situations and feelings of professional inadequacy.

Maybe for both my friend and me, we should keep plugging away with an eye on a better destination. Maybe we slow down just a little bit and start to correct our course, adjusting our sails and crossing our fingers for less stormy seas. And, until then, we find a life preserver and hang on for dear life.