Exes on Facebook

Facebook. I love it, usually. Yes, it is the ultimate time suck, but how else could I maintain connections with so many friends spread out around the world in real time? We can reaffirm that we share the same likes and dislikes, share pictures, and know what’s on each other’s minds. Perhaps Facebook is somewhat superficial, but I love connecting with friends in South Africa, Lesotho, Zimbabwe, New Zealand, France, the Yukon and all across the United States, especially during the World Cup and UEFA Championships.

Except when you find out, through friends of friends who you’ve friended on Facebook, that a new friend is a friend of a really lousy ex-boyfriend who you’ve spent the past 10 years erasing from your brain. Why I dated that bipolar with a drinking problem who was searching for religion but found a girl named Kristjan instead I’ll never know. At first he was that awesome guy at the party that everyone adored, but after the party, he turned into a depressive drunk and shrewd manipulator.

I can deal with the fact that he can google my name all he wants, but to be linked via Facebook is annoying. It means that we could show up at the same party someday through mutual friends, which means small talk, awkward silences, and probably some explanation of why I refused his Friend Request. Oh, and he will ask me why we can’t be friends and insist, in a socially polite manner, that I’m the one with the problem.

How do you tell someone politely that, even after 10 years, he still makes your skin crawl and stomach heave? Trust me, no one wants to get Status Updates from a lousy ex, unless the updates indicate that he’s losing his hair, bouncing checks at Pamida, and has a colonoscopy scheduled for tomorrow morning. Then I would friend him.

I suppose one option for me is not to listen to the signals my body is giving me and pretend that I can transcend these visceral feelings of disgust that scream “Get the hell away from him!” But why live incongruently? It’s perfectly OK by me that he’s not on my greeting card list. Another option could be to friend the sorry schmuck and leave status updates that indicate that everything about me is going swimmingly – you know, like Everyday my career gets better and better! or I just don’t know what to do with all this excess money in my bank accounts! or Losing those last 10 pounds was so easy! Then I could photo shop all of my pictures, removing any acne, wrinkles, or flub.

Or I could just blog it all out of my system and move on with my life. Which is what I’m doing now. Thank you. Carry on.